My life wouldnt have been the same without you.

This is just the gist of it...there's sooooooooo much more to the story than what I can even think about writing.

I had friends growing up, but i had ONE best friend. Sylvia. When we met, she was 4, and I was 5. I know her family was placed in my life, 4 houses away, for a reason. There was alot that went on in my life as a kid, and they knew it and understood it and helped me when I needed it.

Sylvia and I had the time of our lives. We laughed, cried, fought. She was there when life was hard for me. She was there as my dad's health deteriorated due to Muscular Dystrophy and he went into a wheel chair. She was there through the good times and the bad.

Out of 13 years in elementary school, we were only the same class once. 3rd grade, Mrs. Frye's class. We would give each other dirty looks all day, write each other nasty notes and get caught by the teacher, but then at recess we were right there together playing. Thats how much of our life was. We'd fight, but then she'd come back to my house and ask if i wanted to come back out and play with her. I almost always would. That was only when we were young and spoiled brats. When we got older, we never fought with each other. We loved each other like sisters.

We played games like Othello and Bible Trivia, and recorded ourselves hidiously singing 80s songs. We sounded HORRIBLE, but we didnt care, it was fun and we laughed until we cried. We had alot of fun as a kids, but I think we had more fun as we got older. We went to the same church(es) and often rode together, but always always always sat together. We went to the dollar movies alot, but mostly we hung out at her house. We spent more time prank calling people in the middle of the night, than we did sleeping. That stopped when we called the grandma of a boy in my 9th grade class and we said "Is your refridgerator running? (YES) Well, you better go catch it" and hung up. She had caller ID and called back and talked to Sylvia's parents. We had to apologize to her. Im not sure that she ever knew I knew her grandson. Her mom told me it was time for me to go home and I thought for sure she'd call my parents (I should have known by then that she wouldnt have). So, I ran home faster than I ever had before and I ran into the house and blocked their # from calling. The next day Sylvia came to my house saying she was trying to call me but couldnt get through, she and her mom wanted me to go somewhere with them. Her mom wasnt mad at us =)

I remember one time Sylvia went to call a bowling alley and the # had changed so she got a hold of 2 guys, who sounded like teenagers, but older than us, maybe even early 20s. I dont remember their names, but some how we started calling them every day and we'd each be on a phone on the same line talking to these guys. I dont remember why we stopped calling them. They were hilarious, they would make us laugh until our stomach hurt and then some. Probably if that happened today, we would have met them. They just lived in the next city over, but we were shy and couldnt drive at the time.

I remember Sylvia, her mom, and myself not being able to order at a Taco Bell drive through for months it seemed like, because everytime we'd get to the speaker, we'd break out into laughter and not be able to speak. The Taco Bell people got tired of us. We laughed until we cried sometimes. Sylvia had the loudest laugh. It was contagious.

We used to talk about the future, and our future children. She wanted twins. A boy and a girl. Emelio and Emily. She could come up with some hilarious, off the wall names sometimes, but I could totally see her naming her kids Emelio and Emily.

Sylvia loved writing, and poetry. She read all the time. She tried to get me into reading, but Ive never been much of a reader. One book I recall that she loved, that I did read is called Roses For Mama. I need to read it again........

When i was 18, I got a job, and a boyfriend and we started drifting away some. I still saw her and talked to her alot, but not like before. Before, we were unseperable. Then, in 1999 a tornado hit and wiped out our area of the neighborhood. It was just her and her mom at home, as her dad was at work. I was relieved to know they made it out ok because by the looks of their house, if they had gone where I figured they would, they wouldnt have. They ended up going to a neighbors cellar, pretty much with that tornado on their heels, they ended up trapped, luckily someone found them. We ended up living a few miles apart, instead of a few houses apart. I still hung out with her some, but not like before. Then our parents bought new houses, in different towns, but still not far enough apart for us to drift farther apart. We took some classes together at Rose State for a semester. That was fun. I dont know why we didnt keep going to school. I think we wanted to goof off instead of go to school.

One night, I got a message on my machine from her mother. She had a worried tone to her voice. I knew something had happened to Sylvia, but it wasnt what I expected. When I tried to call back, the line was solid busy for along time. Finally I called her brothers house and spoke to her sister in law, who informed me that Sylvia had tried to commit suicide. WHAT?! This girl, who is a devout Christian, just tried to end her life by taking a whole bunch of sleeping pills?! The next day, I went to see her at the Crisis Center, and she wouldnt tell me what was going on. She wouldnt tell anyone anything other than she was depressed. I knew it was more and I was hurt that she didnt tell me. Later she told me that she had an affair with a married man, the preacher of her,and my former, church. WHAT?! I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. She felt such guilt and told his wife, who didnt believe her, but believed her husband who had done things like this on more than one occasion. It all blew up and she just wanted to end it. I realized that when she told me she that she had told her mom about it (and hadnt told me) and no one else, that we were drifting apart more than I knew.

A few years later, I met Mark and we got married and had Courtney. Sylvia and I really were distant by this time. I felt as though she resented me for getting married and having a baby and she was still 22, living at home, with no boyfriend or anything. To this day, i still think she resented me. We spent less time together, less time talking. I spent more time with my family and she had new friends, and a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.

Not long after Courtney was born, Sylvia called me to tell me that there was a tumor in her leg. She had surgery to remove it (and her new friend was the one there for her, as I was on the back burner now) and it came back as cancer. I cant remember the name of it, but its a very rare cancer that bore no survivors. It affected women from about 18-25yrs of age. She was 23 when they found it. During the time of her chemo, we got a little closer, but I knew she was ill so I didnt call much. I didnt want to bother her. The first chemo did nothing. They did another kind....during the 2nd bout of chemo, we went to Boston to see my inlaws. Sylvia's mom ended up having to have brain surgery during that time, and her dad was working at GM still. She was having to go to chemo, and then drive to her mom's side. I felt such guilt that I wasnt there. That was the time that she needed me, and I wasnt there. It wasnt my fault that I wasnt there, but man the guilt I felt. I knew her brothers, and friends werent helping her out and she was pretty much alone. Man, I felt bad.

Her mom pulled through and was fine, but there was no guarantee on her life for awhile there, and Sylvias had taken a turn for the worst. She called me one day to tell me that they had found cancer spores in her lungs and they had only given her a short time to live. WHAT?! She was suppose to pull through this....now it seems as though there is a chance she wont.....

I had been so busy with Courtney and Mark, that I started keeping in touch with Sylvia mostly through email because it was hard for me talk on the phone with a loud kid(i was that way with all my friends, still am)...Well, I guess she got upset with me that I emailed more than I called. She wrote me an email that was out of the blue and so hurtful. I was shaking by the time I was done reading it. She had told me that I wasnt there for her and a lot of stuff that really tore me up. I got angry with her and wrote her back and told her that Im sorry that my life is so busy right now and that I dont have time to sit around with a phone stuck to my ear. If only, I had known even a short time into the future.....

My mom called me one day and said that Sylvia had called their house looking for me and she sounded horrible. She was in the hospital. I was still burnt about the email and not wanting to call her, but my mom said "Amber, Sylvia is dying". I will NEVER EVER EVER forget those words. So, I called her. I started crying on the phone and I said that I was sorry about the email. I told her that I was sorry that she thought I wasnt there for her,but I was and she said "Oh, dont worry. You're fine" and thats all that was ever said about it again. The next day I went to see her. She was in a hospital bed, not able to walk because the cancer had spread to her back. Her mom and my mom talked some, but they wouldnt ever leave the room so that I could talk to her. I never really had the chance to talk to her, alone again. Later she was moved to a nursing home for a couple days, then to a hospital bed at home, with hospice coming twice a day. They gave her a very short time to live, but she wouldnt accept it. We talked alot more on the phone, but she was on strong shots of morphine and wouldnt be able to talk for very long. She was in a lot of pain. But, she passed the mark in time of which they said she'd be dead.

Her mom called me one night and said that they had a friend over named Shannon, but Sylvia kept calling her Amber. She was crying on the phone and asked me to come over. So, my mom, my grandma and I went over to see her. She was slurring her speech really bad, but she knew who we were. She sounded so tired. While we were there, she slipped off into a semi-coma. That night was the last night that I heard her voice.

I went over and sat with her as much as I could during the next week or so. I cant remember exactly, its a blur really. My grandma told me that she had a vision of Sylvia, dancing in the clouds, and smiling. After that, I went to see her. Her dad asked me to talk to her, and to tell her to go be with Jesus, because her mom wouldnt. Her mom wouldnt pick out funeral clothes, or make arrangements. She was so unaccepting. So, I knelt down by her and told her that she was the best friend I ever had and that I loved her so much. I gave her the other half a Best Friend necklace (we used to exchange those alot as kids)and I told her that if she saw Jesus, to go with him, that her mom would be ok. She never responded in anyway to me, but i know she heard me.

The next day I was sitting out back with Mark as he smoked, and we talked and I thought I heard someone bang on the door, but I wasnt sure. Mark got up and went into the house and I heard my moms voice. I knew as soon as I heard her voice that it wasnt good. I just stayed out there until Mark came to get me because the few more seconds I had without the confirmation, then in my mind, it hadnt happened. But it had. Sylvia had passed away in the night. Her mom said she went to check on her, and she was gone. She called my mom really early to tell her and my mom said for her not to tell me on the phone, if i called. So, my mom drove over here, on a cold November morning, early, to tell me that my best friend of 20 years had died.

She passed away on November 20th, 2005. Her funeral was on the 23rd, the day before Thanksgiving........

She never got to meet my youngest daughter, Catelyn, who holds part of her middle name. Sylvia's middle name is Crestina...Catelyn's is Cresteen (the other half, the "een" is after my grandma and mom, who's middle names are Christeen, and Colleen.).

This is year #3 since Sylvia passed away. Believe me when I say there is probably not a day that goes by that I dont think of her some how. I miss her dearly, and I so badly wish I could call her up and say "Do you remember the time......or Guess who I just saw....." like we did so many times, and then we'd laugh until we cried. When the sky is really blue, with out many clouds, I feel close to her...as though I could almost look hard enough to see her up there..........On days when its really cloudy out...i think of her, and wonder if she's dancing on top of the clouds that I see........

There's a couple of songs that make me think of her........

Who you'd be today

Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you're gone

Chorus:

It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

The death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?

Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family?

I wonder, what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue

I feel like I can talk to you

And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today

Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

This song came out a couple months before her passing and Ill never be able to hear it without thinking about her.....

When I get where I'm Going

Braid Paisley

(feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going

On the far side of the sky

The first thing that I'm gonna do

Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion

And run my fingers through his mane

Or I might find out what it's like

To ride a drop of rain

[Chorus]

Yeah when I get where I'm going

There'll be only happy tears

I will shed the sins and struggles

I have carried all these years

And I'll leave my heart wide open

I will love and have no fear

Yeah when I get where I'm going

Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand dad

And he'll match me step for step

And I'll tell him how I missed him

Every minute since he left

Then I'll hug his neck

[Repeat chorus]

So much pain and so much darkness

In this world we stumble through

All these questions I can't answer

So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going

And I see my maker's face

I'll stand forever in the light

Of his amazing grace

Yeah when I get where I'm going

There'll be only happy tears

Hallelujah

I will love and have no fear

When I get where I'm going

Yeah when I get where I'm going